The 400 Project

I’m not entirely sure what happened to me along the way but as I get older I know I’ve gotten some things wrong in life so far. One thing is for certain, everyone goes through life at a different pace than one another. Some must deal with extremely difficult situations that cause them to have to grow up faster than others. Some are spoiled and never truly appreciate hard work and what it means to work towards a goal that takes months or even years to achieve. Some are bullied in public schools causing them to be reclusive and withdrawn. Some are home schooled and never really learn how to be a social butterfly. You may be so comfortable around strangers but sometimes you are too open and say more than you should.

I don’t really know what led to this trait of mine, but I’m determined to kick it sooner than later, cuz we’re always running against the clock of life. I’ve always been one to be cautious of other people’s feelings and space, not one to start a conflict or make a scene. This isn’t a bad thing but I’m thinking because of this I’ve kind of been ashamed of things I enjoy. I tend to hide things from others who I think will react differently, but in reality I’m hiding a piece of who I really am. I try and stay ‘normal’ for the sake of others.

First example

Since just before high school I started enjoying heavier music, metal, screamo, hardcore, whatever you want to label it. This is great when you are enjoying it with others who appreciate it, but being in high school there were some who hated it or even some who said my music wasn’t heavy enough, or the artists lacked talent etc. This didn’t stop me from listening to these artists but I think it struck with me that not everyone enjoys the same music. I don’t really know if it was since then considering I remember finding others who shared my passion for this music in college but somehow between then and now I faded in terms of really enjoying it again. If someone else was in the room I’d turn it down, or switch genres completely to avoid the whole ‘omg what the hell are you listening to’ conversation. I’d hide what I really enjoyed, even when cruising the streets with my windows down when stopped at a light I would turn my music down as if it was causing a disturbance. Music is so important to me that thinking of this now just seems silly. I’ve learned that a large majority of people just listen to the radio, and have literally no clue what good music is anyways, they just follow the masses or summer top hit.

Second example

Another trait that I concealed that makes me who I am is the fact that I can be a pretty pathetic romantic at times. What can be seen as cute by some can be a turnoff by others and again throughout my life I slowly buried it deep down. Comments from people I knew (never close friends) and even failed relationships, turned a once open-voiced romantic to a closet dreamer. Up until recently it was so bad that I’d have internal conversations with myself to kick these thoughts as even I looked at them as unacceptable, obsessive, and wrong. If it’s truly how you feel why should you be ashamed of speaking it aloud? If you do and the person you are spilling yourself out for is embarrassed, then shouldn’t that be a clear indication that maybe you two don’t belong? Either way it was hiding a part of myself, and I believe if you really want to be happy every day you ought to be comfortable and be able to be your 100% self. Not that I’m going to run around telling everyone I see how I feel, it’s just I shouldn’t be ashamed of feeling a certain way.

Third example

I call this one the guy-complex. Definitely prevalent in high school and maybe a bit of college. Media is also a big player in this game but as a guy generally you are supposed to be this tough, rugged, emotionless statue. This could also be a reason for my second example’s rapid dispersal, however most romance is still a desirable trait sought out in a partner. Where the guy-complex really holds us back is with our friendships and sometimes even family. As a core group of guy friends we’ve always been close, but I can remember times in high school we’d put on a tougher facade than what was really there. Once we began drinking the worry of upholding that standard slips away and we’ve started being a bit more vocal with each other. I still only really hug my best guy friends when we’ve been drinking but I aim to make this more of who I am, hugs feel good, and what’s not manly about feeling good? It’s just one of those things where society for the most part says a handshake is more acceptable for dude to dude affection. Most of the time love is pretty obvious, even if it’s never been stated actions speak volumes, and the guy-complex definitely holds back that phrase that ought to be said more often I love you man. I’ll take an easy way out right now and say I love ya to the mans reading and editing this article, we’re family anyways. Which leads me to family. Family is there from the beginning and mine hasn’t heard those words come out of my mouth nearly often enough. We value and uphold love yet in certain cases want to hide it, it makes no sense.

Restoring Yourself

These are just some things that are more personable to me that I want to work at abolishing for the rest of my life. Ultimately it comes down to the fact: I’m done hiding my words and holding back on the things I love in life. I should be proud of these personality traits not ashamed of them.

Be yourself, because you are the only you

You don’t need to impress everyone, and you don’t need to be friends with everyone. Not saying you should purposefully piss people off but maybe that’s what kind of person you are, so to that I guess I say you do you. Just don’t be worried about what others will think or let that worry stop you from being the person you are/want to be. Some situations the worry will still be there, but I’m hoping that with time it’ll be less and less frequent. I’ll let you know how it goes, so far so good.